When Laurie Davis first met Thomas Edwards, she was
attracted to how outgoing and confident he is. Ms. Davis, an introvert, had
enjoyed solo picnics and beach outings. After the two began a relationship, her
life filled up with barbecues, birthday parties and weekends in the mountains
with other couples.
It was really exciting—at first. But Ms. Davis, who was
starting an online-dating consulting business and working long hours,
eventually tired of the constant socializing. She asked Mr. Edwards to spend
more time at home with her in their new Manhattan apartment. He asked her to
keep going out with him. They argued.
One Friday, Ms. Davis, 32, decided at the last minute to opt
out of a weekend trip to the Hamptons the couple had been planning with
friends. "Thomas, you go out way too much," she told Mr. Edwards.
He was completely shaken. "I felt like she was
attacking the very nature of why she liked me," says Mr. Edwards, 29.
Were 'Shy' and 'Confident' Doomed from the Start? |
Opposites attract, but couples can grow apart over time as positive qualities
show their negative sides. The partner who was charmingly shy might start to
seem boring or withdrawn, while the one who was supremely confident might seem
overbearing. Tim Bower
What do you do when something about your partner that you
used to adore suddenly starts to drive you crazy? Researchers call this
phenomenon a "fatal attraction." It is exceedingly common, they say,
and it can be deadly to a relationship.
Typically, one partner's fatal-attraction traits are those
the other partner lacks. Think of how an outgoing person is often drawn to
someone quiet, or how a serious person can gravitate toward someone who is
easygoing.
"Opposites attract," says Paul Schrodt, a
professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, who teaches
about fatal attractions in a class on the dark side of relationships.
"They just don't always stay together."
Every single positive personality trait has a negative side,
Dr. Schrodt says. That person you fell in love with who was so dedicated to his
work? He's a workaholic. The confident person's flip side is arrogance. Strong
and silent can be emotionally inept; caring and sweet can be smothering.
We are attracted to a person's positive qualities, and then
we come to resent their negative sides. The more we like a certain trait, the
more we resent its dark side, according to Diane Felmlee, a professor of
sociology at Penn State University, who started calling the phenomenon
"fatal attraction" when she began studying it two decades ago.
Dr. Felmlee says fatal-attraction traits fall into
categories—traits that initially are fun but then seem foolish (someone who is
funny can't be serious); traits that are strong but then seem domineering
(decisive becomes controlling) and traits that are spontaneous but then seem
unpredictable (impulsive becomes erratic).
How long does it take for the fatal attraction trait to
appear? It can happen surprisingly fast—in as little as six months to a year.
But it also can take years to make itself known, often after a couple has
children or experiences other life changes, Dr. Felmlee says.
In her research, she has identified and named five possible
scenarios, or ways in which a fatal attraction may play out.
In Time Will Tell, a person is drawn to positive
characteristics in a possible mate, but both are putting the best foot forward
and don't reveal their entire personalities right away. So a trait's dark side
isn't clear until later.
In Sour Grapes, one partner who is coping with problems in
the relationship, or its demise, is trying to distance himself from the other
partner and recasting positive traits as negative. A trait that was never a
problem before is suddenly interpreted as bad.
In Rose-Colored Glasses, we are attracted to a positive
quality yet secretly suspect it has a darker side. We choose to ignore the dark
side until we can't anymore.
And in People Pleasing, we turn our own positive trait into
a liability by trying too hard to please: If your wife likes how confident you
are, you may choose to play this up until your self-assurance becomes
insufferable.
Lastly, there is Familiarity Breeds Contempt. No one
changed. A person just gets annoying if you are around him or her all the time.
Good Qualities Taken to Extremes | She was attracted to his
dedication to his work; he admired her commitment to fitness and personal
well-being. Before long, though, he struck her as a workaholic, and she seemed
to him to be self-obsessed. Tim Bower
"We all have these high expectations that people can be
flexible in their personalities," Dr. Felmlee says. "Of course, we
aren't that way."
So what do we do? First, Dr. Felmlee says, we need to
recognize that we can't "have it all" in a partner and that positive
traits have negative sides. "If you love their sense of humor, they are
going to joke at the wrong time," she says. "If they are the strong
and silent type, they aren't going to be able to show their emotions as much as
you would like."
Next, she says we need to be aware of our own limitations.
No one is perfect.
It can be helpful to use the "narrator technique,"
says Karen Ruskin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sharon, Mass.
Pretend you are a third-person narrator telling the story of how one person's
trait affects the other in the relationship, and the family as a whole. This
helps you look at your actions and reactions from an outside perspective and be
more open to change, she says.
Remind yourself of qualities that you were initially drawn
to and still appreciate in your spouse. Spend a few minutes reflecting on these
every day. Offer your spouse at least one daily acknowledgment of a positive
quality of his or hers that has made your day.
"This makes it easier to have the more difficult
conversations," says Toni Coleman, a licensed social worker in McLean, Va.
Lastly, consider how your partner provides balance, says
Julie Hanks, a clinical social worker in Salt Lake City. How have your
partner's annoying habits helped your children find balance? How would your
life be different without your partner's influence?
Ms. Davis and Mr. Edwards, of the canceled Hampton's
weekend, considered breaking up at one point. Each felt the other was negating
a crucial part of his or her personality.
Then they sat down and talked about what they wanted in a
relationship, why they craved it and what it would look like. Ms. Davis said
she wanted Mr. Edwards to set aside time and space so they could be alone
together. Mr. Edwards told Ms. Davis he would like her to hang out with her
friends more, "within reason, of course."
And so the couple, who wed two months ago, worked on their
differences. Mr. Edwards scheduled regular date nights. Ms. Davis held
sleepovers for her girlfriends and joined entrepreneur groups where she met new
friends. When socializing together, they planned more outings with couples than
with large groups, because large groups drain Ms. Davis. And while they were
out, they would thank each other for going.
"That support and validation were good for us because
they taught us to be more aware of each other's needs," says Mr. Edwards,
who is a dating coach.
"Above all, we realized that we never want the other
person to feel like they need to do something," says Ms. Davis. "It's
just most important to us that we're both happy, even if that means spending a
little time apart."
